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No Matter What…..

Today is the anniversary of the sudden death in an automobile accident of my only sister.  It is a very emotional day for me, filled with a lingering sense of loss, perhaps even some unresolved grief and periodic bouts of the type of numbness that blocks out any type of feeling at all.

But it is also the anniversary of the most significant turning point in my life, the day that I really began to believe and experience that our program works.  If I could have planned a course of action that would have been a less painful path to this enlightenment I would certainly have done so, sparing my mother the loss of a child, my nephew the loss of a mother and the hordes of mourners overflowing from the funeral service the loss of a dear and valued friend.  Of course it was not up to me.  It was not God’s way of getting my attention by hurting me, for mine is a loving God.  It was an accident.  Just that simple—an accident.

With a little over sixty days clean, living in a recovery residence and uncertain if my seven-month relapse following two years of white knuckle abstinence had really been my personal “hitting bottom,” I was given the ultimate opportunity to test the program.   I didn’t want to call the only phone number I had of a program member.  I didn’t want to reach out for help.  I didn’t want to experience this most excoriating pain I had ever felt.  I wanted to block it out.  I wanted to use.  I wanted relief.  I wanted it all to go away.  But before leaving the recovery residence, I made the telephone call that changed my life.  Only one thing was asked of me, that I call again when I got home and before I used and this I promised to do and I kept my promise, certainly not anything I was accustomed to doing.

The next few days remain clouded in my memory.  Relatives arriving from out of town.  Funeral plans made.  Telling the funeral director that his chapel was not large enough to hold the anticipated crowd for the service and being right.  But I do remember that I was told over and over again that I didn’t have to use.  Incomprehensible “one day at a time” abstinence was broken down into hours or minutes.  I cried.  I shared.  I pleaded for help. I went to meetings.  And I did not use.  A power far greater than I provided the strength that I was incapable of mustering and I did not use.  This was my first but was not to be my last example of “no matter what…..”

I am reminded by this day twenty-eight years ago by both the calendar and by seeing the pain that our NA family is currently experiencing due to the death of the son of a member.  This pain is working its way into the meeting rooms, where it belongs and where it will be lessened by being shared.  I am not close to those experiencing the greatest grief, but they are a part of the family to which I belong and to which each of you belong.  Whether we know them or not, they are a part of the family that connects us not by blood but by our individual struggles for recovery.  For me, this is my real family.

Some of you have experienced the type of grief the sudden death of a loved one brings and it lies in wait for others.  But the bottom line is “no matter what” and I pray that you remember this when it is your turn to be tested.

Thank you for being a part of my recovery.  That you for reminding me that I am never alone.  Thank you for proving to me that the solution is in the steps.  Thank you for helping to move me out of the problem and into the solution.  Thank you for being a part of my family and allowing me to share.

Michael

Written \ Submitted by :

Michael1981

 

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Loss Of Mom
written by lmdelisle, January 02, 2010

Its Been 14 Months since I lost my Mother from Illness. I was 18 Months clean at the time she passed. I joined the no matter what club then and still belong to it. Thank you for this very inspiring and heart felt letter. Although the tears still come at times I know my family in NA have my back and pain... I was in Charlotte NC where she had lived far from my home group and close NA family, but they loved me there and I'll always remember there hugs and love.. Thank you for reminding me ....
Leo DeLisle

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No Matter What
written by cleanbluesguy, January 06, 2010

Early in my recovery I faced alot of challenges but some of these challenges turned to gifts.The first being my mothers battle with cancer.After I left the treatment facility that I got clean and learned about recovery in.My father had asked me to come home and help him with my mother who was battling cancer.The gift of this was I got to spend the last 9 months of my mothers life with her. My mother was always there for me my whole life enabling me and never giving up on me.She would come to jail when I was locked up and bring me packages and always write.I put my mother through a lot of pain and sleepless nights.This was a painful situation watching my mother lose hope the cancer spread from her breast to her liver to the brain.Through the process of slowly dying and being put on hospice and finally death.This my first experience with grief clean.I really felt the pain and sorrow and I cried for a very long time.Thank goodness for my home group(Sat. Morning Mens Stag).The men in this group have truly shown me through their experience,strength and hope that I don't have use no matter what.I have seen the men in my home group lose marriages,jobs,houses,children and spouses and stay clean.I watched as they battled cancer and died clean with dignity.I have also wittnessed the ones who thought they could use one more time.They did and it was the last time(RIP)."We have never seen a person relapse that lives a Narcotics Anonymous Program." Page 76 last sentence top paragraph 5th Edition Basic text

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